Spring Time for Wet Hot

Things are Springing up Wet Hot Style at the Waterford Gardens

The Waterford faithful came out in numbers this week, to support the return of the greatest summer camp cafeteria chef Wet Hot.  It has been too long, since this handsome rugged fridge humping man made his presence at the Waterford Gardens.

His beard still full from a long winter's cold.  His American bandanna still faded from his tour in Vietnam.  His heart still broken, from a love with a kitchen appliance that left him.  But the fans still emphatically chanted his name "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"  

For the first time since the lights were stripped away, the crowds were high in numbers and both days of Wednesday and Thursday had two goalies.  Waterford Hockey was going through a rough spell the past few weeks, with the new "After School Specials" schedule.  Very little attendance and half court action was a plenty during this period.

The Double Agent began to question the state of Waterford Hockey "I was starting to believe that Waterford Hockey was going to die, and the only thing left to encompass the Waterford Gardens would be the Earthquake size cracks along the surface.  Morale was low and the faithful began to question the leadership on their General Rosco Gang Green.  It was a dark day, when the township disconnected our lights.  But this past week, was great testimony that the Waterford faithful are alive and eager to keep the Gardens a vibrant place."

On Wednesday, the goalie match-up of the Double Agent vs The Great Tyler was showcased as a goalie showdown but the real headline was the offensive explosion of Wet Hot.

In the first series alone Wet Hot scored 8 goals in a row.   His fans couldn't keep up with their chants.  Every time they would go into a "Wet Hot" frenzy of a chant, Wet Hot would score again halfway through the thunderous screams of "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"

Opposing goaltender Tyler the Great was in awe of the performance of Wet Hot "I never saw anything like this.  For one, I never knew anybody at the Waterford Gardens that had such a vocal and massive entourage. This Wet Hot guy was blazing through the neutral zone with his American bandanna spirit speed.  Then he power his way in the offensive zone with the strength of 25 lumber jacks.  His shot had the accuracy of a self guided missile.  If I was gay, I would definitely sleep with him."

Just when you thought things couldn't get more fixated on Wet Hot,  he began to undress his shirt.   The loud chants of Wet Hot, turned into high pitch screams, and fans began to pass out from the over excitement of such a scene.  It was as though Justin Bieber had just showed up to a 5th grade school dance, and began to thrust his hips on the young student body.

Joey Morrotto was also amazed by the body of Wet Hot.  "I never knew God could assemble such a magnificent strong body. I believe Wet Hot has a great opportunity to make it as a male model, if the summer camp cafeteria chef doesn't work out for him.   He needs to cover up because, its rather distracting to skate and see a work of art similar to Michelangelo's David."

Michelangelo's Wet Hot

 During Thursday Night it saw the return of Wet Hot, Double Agent, and Joey from the previous night.  Another full court action with 2 goalies of Double Agent and David Dochovny. 

This time the Wet Hot faithful were subdued due to the emphatic muscle body showing from the night before. Only mild chants of "Wet Hot. Wet Hot." were heard during the pre game skate.

Italian made his presence, alone from his Army which is now divided from an incident with Commander Carter.  It appears that Carter is upset over a sketch drawing of the Commander in a promiscuous pose while playing his X-Box. 

Gang Green commented via Skype about this incident.  "Carter, get over yourself.  Stop whining about a drawing, that shows you masturbating on X-Box.  Like come on!  I was caught whacking it in a bush, at a 8th grade girl's softball game.  Now, do you see me getting upset, when people make fun of me.  Well technically, I have a court date next week, and will probably be put on the sex offenders list.  But still, its all fun and games until somebody's feelings gets hurt.  You know what really hurts, a broken heart, when nobody shows up at the Waterford Gardens.  Oh, I got to go, I see my neighbor's Grandma undressing."

David Dochovny was strong in net, not allowing a single goal until 30 minutes into play.  His counterpart  Double Agent on the other hand, was having a rough outing, trying to figure out what team to play for in goal.

"It's tough to figure out who is on my team.  I like to think, everyone is shooting on me, but on the other hand I feel everyone is my friend.  So, I like to play both sides, and see where it takes me." The Double Agent on playing goal.

In the end team Italian pull out a 3-2 series victory with hard-work and self persevering.   Italian was named team MVP and was awarded the last quote in the Googily Gazette article.

"I really wanted some jellybeans after this victory, to savor the sweet taste of triumph. Maybe one day Commander Carter can forgive me, and the rest of my comrades in the Italian army.  But today, I put the good name of the Italian on the map of Waterford Hockey. Viva gli italiani! (Long Live the Italian)"


Waterford Hockey returns on Sunday at 3pm, and next week on Tues or Wed pending weather conditions.  Also I heard back from the Township Committee member regarding the lights and this is what he told me.  They are looking into the pricing on a permanent fix to the lights.  So, who knows when this will be resolved.  I think we should all e-mail this guy, and put some pressure on the township to fix our lights soon.

Another update:  Master P stop by this week, I wasn't around to see him, but talked to him on the phone.  He is working in a traveling carnival, as a Carny.  He sets up rides, and takes them down.  If anybody wants to visit Master P and his traveling carnival, he will be hitting up all the major cities on the East Coast this summer.  Who likes free rides and cotton candy? 

Back to the Dark Ages

Waterford Township's resolution to fixing the lights

The inevitable of losing our precious hockey lights has occurred once again.  But this time, the conflict of never playing under the Waterford Gardens lights is a grim reality. 

As shown in the photo above, the Township went to the extent of constructing an elaborate sign, which explains their stance on the lights.  To make matters worse the sign has been bolted in the place of the button, which turned the lighting fixture on. 

Blame can be put on Mr. Magoo for being the idiot who unscrewed the button in the first place, but the Township is the real enemy here.  Instead of fixing the problem, their answer is "Lets build a sign and send a message to those hockey punks we've taken the lights away"

Vandalism?  We're the only ones who fix the rink, when other non-hockey people break the boards.  When was the last time you saw a township worker fixing the rink?  How can they put the blame on us for vandalism?  If it wasn't for us playing hockey there, it would be a horrific sight at the Waterford park facility.

How many times, have I scene broken beer bottles, marijuana dime bags, trash, and other nonsense there.  Their logic of taking away a positive structure in our society, and not doing a thing, is rather ignorant and nonsensical. 

Would they take away the football lights if somebody vandalize the football field?  Plus, the lights acted as security for the park at night.  Now, anybody can go to the park at night time, and do illegal activities at their discretion. 

In the past a few of us went to meetings to get our lights back on in 2008.  It took us about a year and half to just get those lights back on.  So the time has come again to fight and let our voices be heard.  But as in the past we had very few willing to help the fight.  I'm looking at you Coldplay

Coldplay looking sexy for underage fans

If anybody knows somebody on the township committee, forward me their email address or phone number.  I'm going to try to contact somebody and write a letter about the situation. 

At this moment we can only play during the daytime hours, so with the advent of Daylight Savings time today we can get back to our roots.  The introductions of "After School Specials" at 4:30pm throughout the week will start this Tuesday.

Bring your hockey equipment with you to work or school and stop by the Waterford Gardens at 430pm on Tuesday.  They might be able to take away our lights, but they can never take away our hockey!   

In Honor of Master P

Rosco "Bobby Orr" Gang Green

Gang Green taking a dramatic spill on a breakaway

Hockey Weekend Across Waterford concluded last night, with a large turnout to see the super skills of the one and only Wet Hot goaltender.  It has been three moons and seven months since the Wet Hot had step onto the Waterford Gardens confines. 

Wet Hot had dazzled the faithful with breathtaking performances, where loud chants of "Wet Hot" were heard miles away from the Old White Horse Pike.  Spectators were in such a frenzy after each eye dropping save, that they prompted to shout "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"

But the return of Wet Hot was overshadow by a Rosco Gang Green, whom bought a pair of Crossfire Rollerblades for $37, to skate out for the evening. 

Gang Green's new pair of Crossfire Rollerblades. Purchase for only $37 at his local sporting goods retailer.

Now Gang Green wasn't in the best of shape.  His last performance as a skater was a tryout for the Men's League Team "Flex", which didn't go so well.   After his tryout, nobody said a word to Gang Green about his horrific performance.  

Except our beloved Master P "Gang Green I hope you like to wear orange, because you'll be perfect as a traffic cone.  I can't believe you actually thought you could make our Men's league team.  You're a terrible skater, you run into your own teammates, you shot the puck wider than Steve Arena, and I'm tired of watching you fake injuries.  All in all, you suck!"

Still Gang Green persevered from the tormented criticism.  He played a different position, so he wouldn't have to hear the negativity of his skating performance.  Time went on, Gang Green won 13 Waterford Hockey Championships, Named Goalie of the year in 2009 and 2010, Coached 2 Men's League Championships, and relieved himself by masturbating to the sounds of his roommate having sex in the same room. 

Or as Gang Green Calls it "I didn't want to be only the person to not bust a nut."  A legendary story for another time, my young readers. 

On Sunday night, it was time for Gang Green's redemption.  This was for the little guy, whom wasn't pick for the team.  This was for the less talented, whom never got a chance.  This was for the balding 30yr old air guitaring champion whom had the sexual mysterious mystic. This was for the guy whom wasn't afraid to get kick off facebook for sending homosexual viruses.  This was for the General of the Waterford Faithful Brigade.   This was for Rosco Gang Green!

With his team trailing in the series 2games to nothing, Gang Green had a chance in game 3 of the series to rally his teammates.  Trailing 2-1 in game 3, Gang Green picked up the loose ball in the far end boards.  He took the ball, and proceeded with broad and heavy strides towards the offensive zone.  His breath was short, and was dripping of sweat around the groin region. 

His strides became faster, with each passing moment toward the goal.  It was only Gang Green and goaltender Wet Hot in his vicinity.  Gang Green could see the openings in the goal.  Questions in his head of either shooting blocker side, glove side, or five hole.  Or should I deke first and then wait for the goaltender to commit. 

But Gang Green had only one thing on his mind, "I'm going to rape Wet Hot!" 

With every last stride before the goal, Gang Green didn't prepare for an obstacle in his way.  Wet Hot saw Gang Green fumbled the control of the ball.  This was an opportune moment for Wet Hot, to swat the ball away. 

Wet Hot swung his goalie stick at the direction of Gang Green's stick, but to his failure had taken the legs out of Gang Green instead.   A loud moan of "Ahh...........  My toe!" was heard as Gang Green flew 30 feet in the air and landed on his left shoulder.

Players were stunned, the game was postpone for 20 minutes before our General; beaten and battered rose from a crippled shoulder injury.  A weak and derange Gang Green came to his feet.  He had only one thing on his mind "Do I get a Penalty Shot for that?" 

Gang Green was awarded a penalty shot, and was denied by Wet Hot.  Gang Green's team however did comeback in the series and lost in 5 games.  Rosco Gang Green gave his heart, soul, and his left shoulder for this series.  Even in defeat a great respect for Gang Green was upheld.  Nobody will ever forget his 30 foot plunge to the Waterford Gardens pavement. 
 

Check out the Rosco Gang Green rants about Evil Mogilny no show.  They are unedited and uncut.  So be advised of the strong language and nature of the clips.  

Contact either A.I. or A1 for hockey this week, or just come to the Waterford Gardens and practice. 

Angry Rosco Gang Green Part II

Angry Rosco Gang Green Part I

End of an Era Again

Weeks away from the month that honors the Waterford Hockey Legend Master P.  Our hero got up and left the Waterford Faithful brigade for the third time in the last 2 years.  He is on quest (via Chinatown Bus) for grander pastures of illegal drugs, and smoother tasting beer.

Master P, your presence at the Waterford Gardens will be sorely missed, and their can only be one truly Master P in our hearts. 

To commemorate the life and journey of this Waterford elite player, we're having the 2nd annual Master P festival on April  14 at 4pm.  Come to the Mogilny Playhouse for free beer, food, activities which include: beach volleyball, ladder-ball, billiards, bocce ball, wiffle ball, build your own DJ station, and take your picture next to a life size cut out of Master P.

On the news that Master P had left the Waterford faithful, Quad Skates was dishearten to hear such tragic news.  Holding back tears, Quads was sorry to see Master P to leave once again "Its not going to be the same without the Dancing Bear as his Pennsauken counterparts used to call him.  No more witty insults, no more pre game beer drinking, no more sledgehammer, .....no more Mexican poncho"

Master P on Cinco De Mayo

 At this moment the current whereabouts of Master P are unknown, but his legacy carries on.  Come out to the Waterford Gardens for hockey  Sat at 4pm and Sun at 7pm.