Sea Isle 2011 HD

Double the Agent. Double the Goodness!

A blinking red light flashing on a secret message machine located in the confines of the Double Agent's hidden lair.  "DA, We have stripped the enemy of his mobile devices.  He no longer has the capability of using his cell phone, facebook, internet, or twitter accounts.  Now is the time to act.  Take out the Italian!"

The Double Agent waking from his slumber, hears the message as he washes his groggy face.  He looks into the bathroom mirror and stares at his own reflection.  "Italian you little punk, today you'll be mine. Muwhahahahhahahahhaha."

At the Waterford Gardens, still waiting for his enemy the one they call the Italian, the Double Agent goes undercover as a hapless hockey player.  He approaches a group of Waterford Hockey players and tries to reveal some information.  "Hello, I really enjoy this game of hockey. Man, I can't tell you the last time I tied up my 4 wheel skating gadgets.  Oh, what I would give to pick up a piece of lumber and swing for the fences."

Dennis Fallon one of the Waterford Hockey players in attendance, looks confused at the remarks made by the Double Agent.  "Ahh.  The only fences here are the fences to keep the ball in play.  You might want to shoot for the net buddy."

"Thanks, for the tip comrade, I will do that."  As the Double Agent replies to Dennie's helpful advice, he makes a mental note to himself.  "That Dennis guy is a douche.  Change of strategy, objective of hockey is to shoot the ball in the large red cage.  Not to shoot the ball over the fence out of play." 

While surveying the Waterford Faithful before the opening faceoff, the Double Agent tries to locate his target.   "I see a World renown recording artist, a Western young face Outlaw, a guy wearing pajamas, a large talking bottle of Steak Sauce, and old geezer wearing prehistoric skates.  Come on Italian, I know you'll be here."

"Let's throw the sticks in the middle and pick some teams.  Everyone toss them in the pile."   A demanding Coldplay screams from the rooftop of his classy automobile. 

"Damn it, I don't see my target.  What, I'm going to do.  I don't know how to play this game of hockey."  The Double Agent mummers to himself.

"Hey, you! The guy with the black and white suit.  Are you going to throw your stick in the middle or not?"  A Chief Editor asks.

Fumbling around his hockey stick, the Double Agent abides to the demands of the hockey players.  "Ah.... Yes, I would love to play some stick and large pigskin ball.  I'm ready to score a touchdown and settle for the point after."

"Ok, just throw your stick in the middle Montana."  The chief editor replies.

Teams are picked, and the Double Agent still is looking for his enemy target.  During his first shift the Double Agent accidentally puts the ball in his own net, but isn't aware of his mistake.

"Oh yeah!!!!  I'm ready to send out the special teams to execute my extra point."  The Double Agent looks to Billy the Kid his teammate and pats him on his butt check. "Great job Dude!" 

Billy the Kid is annoyed by the own goal, and is rather upset "What the fuck!  Get your hands off my ass, or I'll shoot it off.  Do you understand that you just cost us a goal?  Next time shoot the ball in the other net, and stop standing next to our goalie."

Realizing he has made a major error, the Double Agent skates off the rink and sits on the bench.  Tired of being ridiculed and still trying to get the grasp of the game, the Double Agent contacts headquarters about his current status.

"I still haven't made contact with the enemy, and would like to inquiry what is the proper etiquette of scoring a goal in hockey?"

"DE, our sources have confirmed, that the objective of hockey is to have fun and laugh with your teammates and opponent.  It is not strange, for teammates to celebrate with joyous hugs and punches.  Our satellites have the Italian close in your vicinity, keep your eye out and keep your guard close.   Over and out."

The Double Agent now confident, that his target will be close, he gets off the bench and takes another shift.     Barely standing up on his skates, the Double Agent again shoots the ball in his own net.  But this time he is aware of his mistake, and doesn't break into celebration.

Opposing forward Coldplay meanwhile takes a verbal jab at the expense of the Double Agent's ability to score on his own net.  "You're the best on our team.  I don't even have to shot the ball, I can just let you fuck it up and it goes into the net.  I'm a beast, Cause I used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule the world........"

An embarrassed Double Agent becomes upset, and is on the verge of spilling the blood of Coldplay all over the Waterford Gardens.  "I'm going to crack that dude's skull.  Next time he gets near me, I'm going to take him out.  Fucking pompous pop star!"

While on an offensive rush Coldplay starts to dangle around the Double Agent.  Coldplay toe drags the ball on his stick, then twirls his arms in the air, to showboat his incredible offensive attributes.  He orgasms a loud of his god given abilities.  "I'm sooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooood"

The Double Agent confused, of what to do, goes into stealth mode and drops his stick.  Double Agent leaps in the air and tackles Coldplay to the Waterford Gardens' pavement.  While on the ground, the Double Agent karate chops Coldplay in the neck, and then elbows him in the groin region. 

As the violent melee is going on, a young Mediterranean descent boy rides his bike towards the Waterford Gardens. 

Double Agent, while repeatedly punching Coldplay in the kidneys, looks up and see's his intended target.  He makes a made dash for the Italian who is on his bicycle.

The Italian seeing a stranger (the Double Agent) covered in blood, pedals as fast as he can down the Old White Horse Pike.  Double Agent, equip with weapons begins to throw grenades and dynamite out of his pockets.

Rubble explodes into the air, from the explosive devices used by the Double Agent, the Italian without a cellphone to call his Mom, pedals faster. The Double Agent realizing he is too far away to catch the Italian, reaches out his sniper riffle, with a range of 1,000 feet.

Looking into the cross hairs, he sees a little boy slowing disappearing in the distance, he tries to pull the trigger to get a shot off.

Just as the Double Agent tries to pull the trigger, something hits him in the hand.  The Double Agent begins to shake repeatedly, as if somebody has shot him.  

Billy the Kid, twirling his six shooter in the air, yells aloud,  "Boy, I think you better pack up and leave these parks."

Double Agent realizing his cover has been blown, calls for a vehicle to pick him up.   "Mission failed.  Daddy is coming home.   Our intended target, had an inside mole, to sabotage the mission."  A black tinted van, pulls up to the Double Agent on the side of the Old White Horse Pike and takes him away.

The rest of the Waterford Faithful, pissed about the delay look at the badly beaten Coldplay on the Waterford Gardens.

Dennis skates to the aid of Coldplay "Coldplay you had that coming,  Now get the fuck up and let's finish this best of 7 series." 

   



























 

Coldplay the Fastest Delivery Guy in Town

Natural Lights as Scene on TV

“One shall stand, one shall fall “ as one famous Autobot said to another Decepticon.  In Tuesday night’s Roller Hockey action, the heavily favorite Devlin Danglers face offed against the Natural Lights.

Defending champions of the fall season the previous named Whalers, changed their name to the Natural Lights.  Captain Brian Boitano, yes the Brian Boitano.  3 time Olympic Champion, Cult Figure Skating Star, and a host of his very own cooking show on the Food Network. Explained why such a drastic name change.  

“I felt, we were getting bad press as the Whalers.  This scumbag, the Chief Editor of the Daily Whaler would harass us with his witty blog posts.  So, to get away from the constant cyber bullying, we decided to change our name.  Plus, who doesn’t like a cold Natural Light.”

Before the start of the game, goaltender star of the Deviln Danglers Rosco Gang Green had some fearsome words for his opponent the Natural Lights.  “ I’m going to take out everyone one by one like a Navy Seal.  I’ve waited 6 long years for this game.  Each night, I would sleep with a picture of Boitano next to to my bed.  When, I would awake from a long night of lovemaking, I would grab my handy gizmo knife out of my left sock and repeatedly stab the photo of Boitano. This is going to get personal.”

Mark “Loophole” Lupponetti started the scoring 2 minutes and 23 seconds into the first half with a twisted wrist shot from the slot.  He beat opposing goaltender Jody Hull low glove side. Loophole shot was so powerful, that he didn’t move his head.

With a 3-1 lead, the Deviln Danglers were killing a penalty at the end of the first half.  Natural Lights defence-men Matt Arena, turned the ball over to a fore-checking Frank “the Tank” Ceretelle. Frank the Tank, took the opportune turnover, and went all alone on a breakaway.  The tank, deke Jody Hull out of his goalie shoes, and toe dragged the ball for an open net goal.  


We interrupt this important blog article, for a message from the Grammar Police.


“Ahh.... This is Lieutenant Matt Arena of the Grammar Police.  I would like to inform our readers of a blatant grammar mistake in the title of this article.  Natural Lights as scene on TV is incorrect.  Scene should be spelled seen, not scene.  If, I’m going to be made fun of, it must be proper English.  I’m getting mighty tired of circling red pen marks on my computer monitor.”

During the first intermission, with the Deviln Danglers ahead, 4-1.  Rosco Gang Green, had an altercation with defense-men Matt Arena.

Apparently the opposing forward of the Natural Lights made physical contact with Rosco Gang Green in front of his net.  The forward went to his bench and complained about the rude conduct.

“That goalie is playing rather improper and unfair.  He is a buffoon of a monster.  It was unnecessary for the repeated shoves and slashed I received.  I protest.”

Gang Green over hearing the complaining by the Natural Lights bench, barked out some discouraging words.

“If any of you Keebler elves stand in front of my crease, I will hack your shins into a bloody pulp.”

Matt Arena trying to protect his teammates and saving the world of improper grammar intervene.  “Gang Green you suck!  You’re the worse goalie ever!”

“Hey Richie Cunningham, can you cover up those short shorts.  My eyes are starting to hurt, from those white unprotected thighs.” Gang Green replied.

Matt Arena retorted, “These shorts are made of special polyester fabric, that allow me to skate faster.  They won’t make any shorts shorter than this.”







The referee of the match, skated to the Devlin’s Danglers bench and ponder out loud  “Are these guys for real?”

With a 4-1 lead going into the second half, Gang Green’s tempered outburst had given the Danglers an edge to unmercifully destroy the Natural Lights.

Joey Morrotto added 2 goals in the second half, followed by goals from Brandon Tungstall, Tom Fadako, and Ed Shakya.

The final whistle had blown, and the Deviln Danglers were victorious 9-1.

Still heated from his altercation with Matt Arena, and a deep seeded hatred towards the rest of the team.  Gang Green held a press conference outside of the Deviln Danglers locker-room,

“Before, I field any questions from the media.  I would like to make the following statement.  I, Rosco Gang Green, currently with a 2-0 record, a GAA of 1.00, Save Percentage of .967, is the greatest goalie of all-time.  And team Natural Lights suck more than a new born breast feeding.”

What was the argument about during the intermission?

“Next time, the arenas should leave their purses at home.  They were lucky Momma Green was in attendance, or I would of choked a bitch.”

It sounds, like you have a vendetta with the Arenas.  Why so much animosity?

“Well, it started years ago at the Waterford Gardens.  I was never respected by those guys.  They made fun of my masturbating habit, my dating techniques of climbing into trees and starring at women from afar, and my ability to seduce women with sexually mysterious eyes.  This was a game I really wanted to win.”

Grammar Police interjection.  “Ahh.. you spelled starring wrong its staring, not starring. Gang Green was never starring in anything.  Grammar police will not put up with these stupidity.”

Gang Green shakes his head in disgust “You see why, I can’t stand these guys.”  

Magoo Rap Extended

Magoo Enlists in the Army

Mr. Magoo training for the Army

Wednesday marked the final appearance of Mr. Magoo at the Waterford Gardens.  It has been a long journey for a man who was a regular goaltender fixture.  Mr. Magoo had three successful videos, "Magoo Rap, History Will be Made, and Sea Isle."  He was also featured it other History Will be Made Videos, and Waterford Hockey Highlights.

Magoo was also the center of attention last summer, when he notoriously broke the lights, by unscrewing the button on the outside of the electrical unit.   Those lights have been disconnected thanks in large part to Mr. Magoo, and his disregard for button pushing devices.  "I thought I could unscrew the button and hot wire the hockey lights, to turn on."  Mr. Magoo's defensive response.

So, Magoo now done with destroying the Waterford Gardens night hockey, will enlist in our United States Army at the end of May.  His inability to read signs which say "Danger High Voltage! Stay Away! Caution Explosives in Area"  will do him justice in his new career.

The Waterford Hockey lights which are already disconnected are please to see the departure of Mr. Magoo.  "I'm still in shock, that a person would unscrew my button and try to cut my dangerous wires.  It was rather uncomfortable to have my button hanging unconventionally in my electrical box.  Next, time I will make sure my high voltage wires will electrocute him."

In typical Magoo fashion, the final game had Magoo lying down in his butterfly position and not trying at all.  He tormented the Double Agent who was upset with his own performance, by not killing his secret target objective. 

"I only come to the Waterford Gardens to complete a mission that my superiors have ordered me.  I can't go into details, but it has to do with a foreign enemy that has infuriated the safety of the Waterford civilians.  So, I go undercover as a commoner who doesn't know how to play hockey.  I play for both teams, and try to reveal information that will help my mission.  It doesn't help when Mr. Magoo sits on his ass and taunts me to score .  What a dick!  I'm not a professorial hockey player.  If I had clearance, I would of poisoned his water bottle with cyanide."

The final game had Magoo squeaking out a 5-4 ot victory over rival goaltender Gang Green. Coldplay scored the game winner on a missed shot off the boards. Magoo had nothing to say in the post game press conference, as he was rushed to leave with his ride Gang Green.

On the ride back Gang Green offered to give Magoo a ride home, but Magoo declined.  He insisted that he was going to be picked up by his Grand Uncle's mistress.  "I told Magoo I would take him home, but he wouldn't accept my offer.  So I went to use the restroom, and when I return I saw that Magoo started to suit up in his full goalie equipment.  He then said, "Ok, See yeah" walked out my door.  Ready to play another game of goal.   I was like "Dude, I'll take you home."  He refused siting that he needed to get in shape for the army by walking 5 miles in his goalie equipment.  That Mr. Magoo is a weird guy."

Mr. Magoo was last scene in full goalie equipment walking down Laurel Rd, in Voorhees.  It is not known if he ever made it home that night, but God Speed Magoo.  In your honor, the extended version of the Magoo rap will be released today.  Cause everyone needs a "Good Day"

Waterford Hockey returns on Sun at 5pm and pending weather conditions other game times throughout the week.  

Spring Time for Wet Hot

Things are Springing up Wet Hot Style at the Waterford Gardens

The Waterford faithful came out in numbers this week, to support the return of the greatest summer camp cafeteria chef Wet Hot.  It has been too long, since this handsome rugged fridge humping man made his presence at the Waterford Gardens.

His beard still full from a long winter's cold.  His American bandanna still faded from his tour in Vietnam.  His heart still broken, from a love with a kitchen appliance that left him.  But the fans still emphatically chanted his name "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"  

For the first time since the lights were stripped away, the crowds were high in numbers and both days of Wednesday and Thursday had two goalies.  Waterford Hockey was going through a rough spell the past few weeks, with the new "After School Specials" schedule.  Very little attendance and half court action was a plenty during this period.

The Double Agent began to question the state of Waterford Hockey "I was starting to believe that Waterford Hockey was going to die, and the only thing left to encompass the Waterford Gardens would be the Earthquake size cracks along the surface.  Morale was low and the faithful began to question the leadership on their General Rosco Gang Green.  It was a dark day, when the township disconnected our lights.  But this past week, was great testimony that the Waterford faithful are alive and eager to keep the Gardens a vibrant place."

On Wednesday, the goalie match-up of the Double Agent vs The Great Tyler was showcased as a goalie showdown but the real headline was the offensive explosion of Wet Hot.

In the first series alone Wet Hot scored 8 goals in a row.   His fans couldn't keep up with their chants.  Every time they would go into a "Wet Hot" frenzy of a chant, Wet Hot would score again halfway through the thunderous screams of "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"

Opposing goaltender Tyler the Great was in awe of the performance of Wet Hot "I never saw anything like this.  For one, I never knew anybody at the Waterford Gardens that had such a vocal and massive entourage. This Wet Hot guy was blazing through the neutral zone with his American bandanna spirit speed.  Then he power his way in the offensive zone with the strength of 25 lumber jacks.  His shot had the accuracy of a self guided missile.  If I was gay, I would definitely sleep with him."

Just when you thought things couldn't get more fixated on Wet Hot,  he began to undress his shirt.   The loud chants of Wet Hot, turned into high pitch screams, and fans began to pass out from the over excitement of such a scene.  It was as though Justin Bieber had just showed up to a 5th grade school dance, and began to thrust his hips on the young student body.

Joey Morrotto was also amazed by the body of Wet Hot.  "I never knew God could assemble such a magnificent strong body. I believe Wet Hot has a great opportunity to make it as a male model, if the summer camp cafeteria chef doesn't work out for him.   He needs to cover up because, its rather distracting to skate and see a work of art similar to Michelangelo's David."

Michelangelo's Wet Hot

 During Thursday Night it saw the return of Wet Hot, Double Agent, and Joey from the previous night.  Another full court action with 2 goalies of Double Agent and David Dochovny. 

This time the Wet Hot faithful were subdued due to the emphatic muscle body showing from the night before. Only mild chants of "Wet Hot. Wet Hot." were heard during the pre game skate.

Italian made his presence, alone from his Army which is now divided from an incident with Commander Carter.  It appears that Carter is upset over a sketch drawing of the Commander in a promiscuous pose while playing his X-Box. 

Gang Green commented via Skype about this incident.  "Carter, get over yourself.  Stop whining about a drawing, that shows you masturbating on X-Box.  Like come on!  I was caught whacking it in a bush, at a 8th grade girl's softball game.  Now, do you see me getting upset, when people make fun of me.  Well technically, I have a court date next week, and will probably be put on the sex offenders list.  But still, its all fun and games until somebody's feelings gets hurt.  You know what really hurts, a broken heart, when nobody shows up at the Waterford Gardens.  Oh, I got to go, I see my neighbor's Grandma undressing."

David Dochovny was strong in net, not allowing a single goal until 30 minutes into play.  His counterpart  Double Agent on the other hand, was having a rough outing, trying to figure out what team to play for in goal.

"It's tough to figure out who is on my team.  I like to think, everyone is shooting on me, but on the other hand I feel everyone is my friend.  So, I like to play both sides, and see where it takes me." The Double Agent on playing goal.

In the end team Italian pull out a 3-2 series victory with hard-work and self persevering.   Italian was named team MVP and was awarded the last quote in the Googily Gazette article.

"I really wanted some jellybeans after this victory, to savor the sweet taste of triumph. Maybe one day Commander Carter can forgive me, and the rest of my comrades in the Italian army.  But today, I put the good name of the Italian on the map of Waterford Hockey. Viva gli italiani! (Long Live the Italian)"


Waterford Hockey returns on Sunday at 3pm, and next week on Tues or Wed pending weather conditions.  Also I heard back from the Township Committee member regarding the lights and this is what he told me.  They are looking into the pricing on a permanent fix to the lights.  So, who knows when this will be resolved.  I think we should all e-mail this guy, and put some pressure on the township to fix our lights soon.

Another update:  Master P stop by this week, I wasn't around to see him, but talked to him on the phone.  He is working in a traveling carnival, as a Carny.  He sets up rides, and takes them down.  If anybody wants to visit Master P and his traveling carnival, he will be hitting up all the major cities on the East Coast this summer.  Who likes free rides and cotton candy?