Natural Lights as Scene on TV

“One shall stand, one shall fall “ as one famous Autobot said to another Decepticon.  In Tuesday night’s Roller Hockey action, the heavily favorite Devlin Danglers face offed against the Natural Lights.

Defending champions of the fall season the previous named Whalers, changed their name to the Natural Lights.  Captain Brian Boitano, yes the Brian Boitano.  3 time Olympic Champion, Cult Figure Skating Star, and a host of his very own cooking show on the Food Network. Explained why such a drastic name change.  

“I felt, we were getting bad press as the Whalers.  This scumbag, the Chief Editor of the Daily Whaler would harass us with his witty blog posts.  So, to get away from the constant cyber bullying, we decided to change our name.  Plus, who doesn’t like a cold Natural Light.”

Before the start of the game, goaltender star of the Deviln Danglers Rosco Gang Green had some fearsome words for his opponent the Natural Lights.  “ I’m going to take out everyone one by one like a Navy Seal.  I’ve waited 6 long years for this game.  Each night, I would sleep with a picture of Boitano next to to my bed.  When, I would awake from a long night of lovemaking, I would grab my handy gizmo knife out of my left sock and repeatedly stab the photo of Boitano. This is going to get personal.”

Mark “Loophole” Lupponetti started the scoring 2 minutes and 23 seconds into the first half with a twisted wrist shot from the slot.  He beat opposing goaltender Jody Hull low glove side. Loophole shot was so powerful, that he didn’t move his head.

With a 3-1 lead, the Deviln Danglers were killing a penalty at the end of the first half.  Natural Lights defence-men Matt Arena, turned the ball over to a fore-checking Frank “the Tank” Ceretelle. Frank the Tank, took the opportune turnover, and went all alone on a breakaway.  The tank, deke Jody Hull out of his goalie shoes, and toe dragged the ball for an open net goal.  


We interrupt this important blog article, for a message from the Grammar Police.


“Ahh.... This is Lieutenant Matt Arena of the Grammar Police.  I would like to inform our readers of a blatant grammar mistake in the title of this article.  Natural Lights as scene on TV is incorrect.  Scene should be spelled seen, not scene.  If, I’m going to be made fun of, it must be proper English.  I’m getting mighty tired of circling red pen marks on my computer monitor.”

During the first intermission, with the Deviln Danglers ahead, 4-1.  Rosco Gang Green, had an altercation with defense-men Matt Arena.

Apparently the opposing forward of the Natural Lights made physical contact with Rosco Gang Green in front of his net.  The forward went to his bench and complained about the rude conduct.

“That goalie is playing rather improper and unfair.  He is a buffoon of a monster.  It was unnecessary for the repeated shoves and slashed I received.  I protest.”

Gang Green over hearing the complaining by the Natural Lights bench, barked out some discouraging words.

“If any of you Keebler elves stand in front of my crease, I will hack your shins into a bloody pulp.”

Matt Arena trying to protect his teammates and saving the world of improper grammar intervene.  “Gang Green you suck!  You’re the worse goalie ever!”

“Hey Richie Cunningham, can you cover up those short shorts.  My eyes are starting to hurt, from those white unprotected thighs.” Gang Green replied.

Matt Arena retorted, “These shorts are made of special polyester fabric, that allow me to skate faster.  They won’t make any shorts shorter than this.”







The referee of the match, skated to the Devlin’s Danglers bench and ponder out loud  “Are these guys for real?”

With a 4-1 lead going into the second half, Gang Green’s tempered outburst had given the Danglers an edge to unmercifully destroy the Natural Lights.

Joey Morrotto added 2 goals in the second half, followed by goals from Brandon Tungstall, Tom Fadako, and Ed Shakya.

The final whistle had blown, and the Deviln Danglers were victorious 9-1.

Still heated from his altercation with Matt Arena, and a deep seeded hatred towards the rest of the team.  Gang Green held a press conference outside of the Deviln Danglers locker-room,

“Before, I field any questions from the media.  I would like to make the following statement.  I, Rosco Gang Green, currently with a 2-0 record, a GAA of 1.00, Save Percentage of .967, is the greatest goalie of all-time.  And team Natural Lights suck more than a new born breast feeding.”

What was the argument about during the intermission?

“Next time, the arenas should leave their purses at home.  They were lucky Momma Green was in attendance, or I would of choked a bitch.”

It sounds, like you have a vendetta with the Arenas.  Why so much animosity?

“Well, it started years ago at the Waterford Gardens.  I was never respected by those guys.  They made fun of my masturbating habit, my dating techniques of climbing into trees and starring at women from afar, and my ability to seduce women with sexually mysterious eyes.  This was a game I really wanted to win.”

Grammar Police interjection.  “Ahh.. you spelled starring wrong its staring, not starring. Gang Green was never starring in anything.  Grammar police will not put up with these stupidity.”

Gang Green shakes his head in disgust “You see why, I can’t stand these guys.”  

Magoo Rap Extended

Magoo Enlists in the Army

Mr. Magoo training for the Army

Wednesday marked the final appearance of Mr. Magoo at the Waterford Gardens.  It has been a long journey for a man who was a regular goaltender fixture.  Mr. Magoo had three successful videos, "Magoo Rap, History Will be Made, and Sea Isle."  He was also featured it other History Will be Made Videos, and Waterford Hockey Highlights.

Magoo was also the center of attention last summer, when he notoriously broke the lights, by unscrewing the button on the outside of the electrical unit.   Those lights have been disconnected thanks in large part to Mr. Magoo, and his disregard for button pushing devices.  "I thought I could unscrew the button and hot wire the hockey lights, to turn on."  Mr. Magoo's defensive response.

So, Magoo now done with destroying the Waterford Gardens night hockey, will enlist in our United States Army at the end of May.  His inability to read signs which say "Danger High Voltage! Stay Away! Caution Explosives in Area"  will do him justice in his new career.

The Waterford Hockey lights which are already disconnected are please to see the departure of Mr. Magoo.  "I'm still in shock, that a person would unscrew my button and try to cut my dangerous wires.  It was rather uncomfortable to have my button hanging unconventionally in my electrical box.  Next, time I will make sure my high voltage wires will electrocute him."

In typical Magoo fashion, the final game had Magoo lying down in his butterfly position and not trying at all.  He tormented the Double Agent who was upset with his own performance, by not killing his secret target objective. 

"I only come to the Waterford Gardens to complete a mission that my superiors have ordered me.  I can't go into details, but it has to do with a foreign enemy that has infuriated the safety of the Waterford civilians.  So, I go undercover as a commoner who doesn't know how to play hockey.  I play for both teams, and try to reveal information that will help my mission.  It doesn't help when Mr. Magoo sits on his ass and taunts me to score .  What a dick!  I'm not a professorial hockey player.  If I had clearance, I would of poisoned his water bottle with cyanide."

The final game had Magoo squeaking out a 5-4 ot victory over rival goaltender Gang Green. Coldplay scored the game winner on a missed shot off the boards. Magoo had nothing to say in the post game press conference, as he was rushed to leave with his ride Gang Green.

On the ride back Gang Green offered to give Magoo a ride home, but Magoo declined.  He insisted that he was going to be picked up by his Grand Uncle's mistress.  "I told Magoo I would take him home, but he wouldn't accept my offer.  So I went to use the restroom, and when I return I saw that Magoo started to suit up in his full goalie equipment.  He then said, "Ok, See yeah" walked out my door.  Ready to play another game of goal.   I was like "Dude, I'll take you home."  He refused siting that he needed to get in shape for the army by walking 5 miles in his goalie equipment.  That Mr. Magoo is a weird guy."

Mr. Magoo was last scene in full goalie equipment walking down Laurel Rd, in Voorhees.  It is not known if he ever made it home that night, but God Speed Magoo.  In your honor, the extended version of the Magoo rap will be released today.  Cause everyone needs a "Good Day"

Waterford Hockey returns on Sun at 5pm and pending weather conditions other game times throughout the week.  

Spring Time for Wet Hot

Things are Springing up Wet Hot Style at the Waterford Gardens

The Waterford faithful came out in numbers this week, to support the return of the greatest summer camp cafeteria chef Wet Hot.  It has been too long, since this handsome rugged fridge humping man made his presence at the Waterford Gardens.

His beard still full from a long winter's cold.  His American bandanna still faded from his tour in Vietnam.  His heart still broken, from a love with a kitchen appliance that left him.  But the fans still emphatically chanted his name "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"  

For the first time since the lights were stripped away, the crowds were high in numbers and both days of Wednesday and Thursday had two goalies.  Waterford Hockey was going through a rough spell the past few weeks, with the new "After School Specials" schedule.  Very little attendance and half court action was a plenty during this period.

The Double Agent began to question the state of Waterford Hockey "I was starting to believe that Waterford Hockey was going to die, and the only thing left to encompass the Waterford Gardens would be the Earthquake size cracks along the surface.  Morale was low and the faithful began to question the leadership on their General Rosco Gang Green.  It was a dark day, when the township disconnected our lights.  But this past week, was great testimony that the Waterford faithful are alive and eager to keep the Gardens a vibrant place."

On Wednesday, the goalie match-up of the Double Agent vs The Great Tyler was showcased as a goalie showdown but the real headline was the offensive explosion of Wet Hot.

In the first series alone Wet Hot scored 8 goals in a row.   His fans couldn't keep up with their chants.  Every time they would go into a "Wet Hot" frenzy of a chant, Wet Hot would score again halfway through the thunderous screams of "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"

Opposing goaltender Tyler the Great was in awe of the performance of Wet Hot "I never saw anything like this.  For one, I never knew anybody at the Waterford Gardens that had such a vocal and massive entourage. This Wet Hot guy was blazing through the neutral zone with his American bandanna spirit speed.  Then he power his way in the offensive zone with the strength of 25 lumber jacks.  His shot had the accuracy of a self guided missile.  If I was gay, I would definitely sleep with him."

Just when you thought things couldn't get more fixated on Wet Hot,  he began to undress his shirt.   The loud chants of Wet Hot, turned into high pitch screams, and fans began to pass out from the over excitement of such a scene.  It was as though Justin Bieber had just showed up to a 5th grade school dance, and began to thrust his hips on the young student body.

Joey Morrotto was also amazed by the body of Wet Hot.  "I never knew God could assemble such a magnificent strong body. I believe Wet Hot has a great opportunity to make it as a male model, if the summer camp cafeteria chef doesn't work out for him.   He needs to cover up because, its rather distracting to skate and see a work of art similar to Michelangelo's David."

Michelangelo's Wet Hot

 During Thursday Night it saw the return of Wet Hot, Double Agent, and Joey from the previous night.  Another full court action with 2 goalies of Double Agent and David Dochovny. 

This time the Wet Hot faithful were subdued due to the emphatic muscle body showing from the night before. Only mild chants of "Wet Hot. Wet Hot." were heard during the pre game skate.

Italian made his presence, alone from his Army which is now divided from an incident with Commander Carter.  It appears that Carter is upset over a sketch drawing of the Commander in a promiscuous pose while playing his X-Box. 

Gang Green commented via Skype about this incident.  "Carter, get over yourself.  Stop whining about a drawing, that shows you masturbating on X-Box.  Like come on!  I was caught whacking it in a bush, at a 8th grade girl's softball game.  Now, do you see me getting upset, when people make fun of me.  Well technically, I have a court date next week, and will probably be put on the sex offenders list.  But still, its all fun and games until somebody's feelings gets hurt.  You know what really hurts, a broken heart, when nobody shows up at the Waterford Gardens.  Oh, I got to go, I see my neighbor's Grandma undressing."

David Dochovny was strong in net, not allowing a single goal until 30 minutes into play.  His counterpart  Double Agent on the other hand, was having a rough outing, trying to figure out what team to play for in goal.

"It's tough to figure out who is on my team.  I like to think, everyone is shooting on me, but on the other hand I feel everyone is my friend.  So, I like to play both sides, and see where it takes me." The Double Agent on playing goal.

In the end team Italian pull out a 3-2 series victory with hard-work and self persevering.   Italian was named team MVP and was awarded the last quote in the Googily Gazette article.

"I really wanted some jellybeans after this victory, to savor the sweet taste of triumph. Maybe one day Commander Carter can forgive me, and the rest of my comrades in the Italian army.  But today, I put the good name of the Italian on the map of Waterford Hockey. Viva gli italiani! (Long Live the Italian)"


Waterford Hockey returns on Sunday at 3pm, and next week on Tues or Wed pending weather conditions.  Also I heard back from the Township Committee member regarding the lights and this is what he told me.  They are looking into the pricing on a permanent fix to the lights.  So, who knows when this will be resolved.  I think we should all e-mail this guy, and put some pressure on the township to fix our lights soon.

Another update:  Master P stop by this week, I wasn't around to see him, but talked to him on the phone.  He is working in a traveling carnival, as a Carny.  He sets up rides, and takes them down.  If anybody wants to visit Master P and his traveling carnival, he will be hitting up all the major cities on the East Coast this summer.  Who likes free rides and cotton candy? 

Back to the Dark Ages

Waterford Township's resolution to fixing the lights

The inevitable of losing our precious hockey lights has occurred once again.  But this time, the conflict of never playing under the Waterford Gardens lights is a grim reality. 

As shown in the photo above, the Township went to the extent of constructing an elaborate sign, which explains their stance on the lights.  To make matters worse the sign has been bolted in the place of the button, which turned the lighting fixture on. 

Blame can be put on Mr. Magoo for being the idiot who unscrewed the button in the first place, but the Township is the real enemy here.  Instead of fixing the problem, their answer is "Lets build a sign and send a message to those hockey punks we've taken the lights away"

Vandalism?  We're the only ones who fix the rink, when other non-hockey people break the boards.  When was the last time you saw a township worker fixing the rink?  How can they put the blame on us for vandalism?  If it wasn't for us playing hockey there, it would be a horrific sight at the Waterford park facility.

How many times, have I scene broken beer bottles, marijuana dime bags, trash, and other nonsense there.  Their logic of taking away a positive structure in our society, and not doing a thing, is rather ignorant and nonsensical. 

Would they take away the football lights if somebody vandalize the football field?  Plus, the lights acted as security for the park at night.  Now, anybody can go to the park at night time, and do illegal activities at their discretion. 

In the past a few of us went to meetings to get our lights back on in 2008.  It took us about a year and half to just get those lights back on.  So the time has come again to fight and let our voices be heard.  But as in the past we had very few willing to help the fight.  I'm looking at you Coldplay

Coldplay looking sexy for underage fans

If anybody knows somebody on the township committee, forward me their email address or phone number.  I'm going to try to contact somebody and write a letter about the situation. 

At this moment we can only play during the daytime hours, so with the advent of Daylight Savings time today we can get back to our roots.  The introductions of "After School Specials" at 4:30pm throughout the week will start this Tuesday.

Bring your hockey equipment with you to work or school and stop by the Waterford Gardens at 430pm on Tuesday.  They might be able to take away our lights, but they can never take away our hockey!   

In Honor of Master P

Rosco "Bobby Orr" Gang Green

Gang Green taking a dramatic spill on a breakaway

Hockey Weekend Across Waterford concluded last night, with a large turnout to see the super skills of the one and only Wet Hot goaltender.  It has been three moons and seven months since the Wet Hot had step onto the Waterford Gardens confines. 

Wet Hot had dazzled the faithful with breathtaking performances, where loud chants of "Wet Hot" were heard miles away from the Old White Horse Pike.  Spectators were in such a frenzy after each eye dropping save, that they prompted to shout "Wet Hot! Wet Hot! Wet Hot!"

But the return of Wet Hot was overshadow by a Rosco Gang Green, whom bought a pair of Crossfire Rollerblades for $37, to skate out for the evening. 

Gang Green's new pair of Crossfire Rollerblades. Purchase for only $37 at his local sporting goods retailer.

Now Gang Green wasn't in the best of shape.  His last performance as a skater was a tryout for the Men's League Team "Flex", which didn't go so well.   After his tryout, nobody said a word to Gang Green about his horrific performance.  

Except our beloved Master P "Gang Green I hope you like to wear orange, because you'll be perfect as a traffic cone.  I can't believe you actually thought you could make our Men's league team.  You're a terrible skater, you run into your own teammates, you shot the puck wider than Steve Arena, and I'm tired of watching you fake injuries.  All in all, you suck!"

Still Gang Green persevered from the tormented criticism.  He played a different position, so he wouldn't have to hear the negativity of his skating performance.  Time went on, Gang Green won 13 Waterford Hockey Championships, Named Goalie of the year in 2009 and 2010, Coached 2 Men's League Championships, and relieved himself by masturbating to the sounds of his roommate having sex in the same room. 

Or as Gang Green Calls it "I didn't want to be only the person to not bust a nut."  A legendary story for another time, my young readers. 

On Sunday night, it was time for Gang Green's redemption.  This was for the little guy, whom wasn't pick for the team.  This was for the less talented, whom never got a chance.  This was for the balding 30yr old air guitaring champion whom had the sexual mysterious mystic. This was for the guy whom wasn't afraid to get kick off facebook for sending homosexual viruses.  This was for the General of the Waterford Faithful Brigade.   This was for Rosco Gang Green!

With his team trailing in the series 2games to nothing, Gang Green had a chance in game 3 of the series to rally his teammates.  Trailing 2-1 in game 3, Gang Green picked up the loose ball in the far end boards.  He took the ball, and proceeded with broad and heavy strides towards the offensive zone.  His breath was short, and was dripping of sweat around the groin region. 

His strides became faster, with each passing moment toward the goal.  It was only Gang Green and goaltender Wet Hot in his vicinity.  Gang Green could see the openings in the goal.  Questions in his head of either shooting blocker side, glove side, or five hole.  Or should I deke first and then wait for the goaltender to commit. 

But Gang Green had only one thing on his mind, "I'm going to rape Wet Hot!" 

With every last stride before the goal, Gang Green didn't prepare for an obstacle in his way.  Wet Hot saw Gang Green fumbled the control of the ball.  This was an opportune moment for Wet Hot, to swat the ball away. 

Wet Hot swung his goalie stick at the direction of Gang Green's stick, but to his failure had taken the legs out of Gang Green instead.   A loud moan of "Ahh...........  My toe!" was heard as Gang Green flew 30 feet in the air and landed on his left shoulder.

Players were stunned, the game was postpone for 20 minutes before our General; beaten and battered rose from a crippled shoulder injury.  A weak and derange Gang Green came to his feet.  He had only one thing on his mind "Do I get a Penalty Shot for that?" 

Gang Green was awarded a penalty shot, and was denied by Wet Hot.  Gang Green's team however did comeback in the series and lost in 5 games.  Rosco Gang Green gave his heart, soul, and his left shoulder for this series.  Even in defeat a great respect for Gang Green was upheld.  Nobody will ever forget his 30 foot plunge to the Waterford Gardens pavement. 
 

Check out the Rosco Gang Green rants about Evil Mogilny no show.  They are unedited and uncut.  So be advised of the strong language and nature of the clips.  

Contact either A.I. or A1 for hockey this week, or just come to the Waterford Gardens and practice.