Birthday Pinata Bash

Sea Isle 2012

Father Pat out 4-6 weeks.

On a lazy Saturday afternoon, Father Pat decided to practice his 4th line skating abilities at the local skate park.  If Father only knew the disaster consequences of making that decision. 

A group of teenage skaters whom frequent the park, were gathering their skateboards, and were about to roll off to the 7/11 to get a Raspberry Lemon Lime Slurpee and skittles.  "Dude, let's bounce this joint.  I'm getting thirsty and there is no new skater blood here." 

"Yea, this is uber lame."  one of the skaters agrees.  The teenager skaters leave the park, as Father Pat looks from a far from his green Toyota Echo.  "This is my chance, to practice by myself, and not be bullied by a bunch of punk kids."  Father murmurs to himself.

With a deserted skate park, Father Pat practice his hand plants, the twirly bird, and the infamous Father Sunday.  The Father Sunday was a move, that was banded from competitive aggressive inline skating competitions.    It was deemed too dangerous and many skaters lost their lives just trying to attempt the move. 

But, Father Pat was enjoying his serenity of skating by himself and practicing his outlawed moves.  The grind of competing at the Waterford Gardens, was taking a toll on Father Pat.  He, was leading the league in penalty minutes, and was tired of the physicality he had to bring each game.  This is what he really wanted in life.  To be a fruity booty.  He already signed the waiver of his bias sexuality as an inline skater. (A little unknown fact, is that in order to be an inline skater, you have to sign away you're heterosexuality, and admit your homosexuality.)

 Things were going great for Father Pat, the sun was hitting against his bare thighs, his hair was radiant in the summer breeze, and his soul had reach the greatest level of enlightenment.  As Father, planted a hand stand on the half pipe, he heard the sounds of juveniles.

"Nice, shorts there homo."  One of the teenagers shouted.  The group of skaters that were previously hanging out at the skate park had return with large Big Gulp Cups and bags of jiggly candy.

"Hey, I didn't know priests were publicly allow to admit they were gay." Another kid heckled. 

"Yeah, you should never of signed that waver, Father."  One of the other teenagers commented.

Father nervous and unsure how to handle the situation, decided to show off his great inline skating attributes.  "Kids, you want to see something really cool?"  he asked

"No, we don't want to see you're ball sack.  Plus with those shorts, we already have a very bogus view." One of the punk skaters replies.

"I knew, I shouldn't of signed that waver.  But, to be an inline skater, you have to fully embrace the alternative lifestyle.  Well, kids I know it hasn't been cool since 1994 to skate on in-lines. But, I'll show you the greatest and most dangerous move a skater can pull off.  Created by my mentor Father Pedro, on a hot summer afternoon in the New Mexico desert, this move will knock your socks off.    It has only been master twice in its existence.  This will show you, that inline skating can be cool.  Get ready for the Father Sunday."

Father Pat skates to the top of the half pipe, the teenage kids look in awe at what will be the greatest moment of their lives.   Father channels his inner peace, and fully becomes one with his in-lines.  What, they will witness can't be fully describe in words, it is something like a bald Eagle soaring in the wilderness.  A majestic water flowing freely from a gigantic waterfall.  The gushing colors of a vibrant rainbow beaming in the horizon.  Simply put, this is the Father Sunday.

Father still at the very top of the half pipe, skates down in a tumbling free fall.  His hands brace his fall, and his skin immediately rips from the uncontrollable carnage. Father Pat made it about 3 inches down the half pipe, before his 4th line skating abilities took over.

"I can't watch it no more."  A crying skater skates away.

After a visit to the doctors office, Father Pat was diagnosed with a broken wrist and a 4 to 6 weeks vacation to the Injury Reserve.  

 
 

Our Savior Father Pat

“When the township fixes these lights, then you can come talk to me Father Pat”  A disgruntle Gang Green shrouds his shoulders in defeat.  Gang Green packed his equipment and left the Waterford Gardens in bitter disgust.

Holy man of the church, and of the goal crease, Father Pat had defeated Gang Green once again for the third time this week.  With his team trailing 3 games to 2 in game 6, Father Pat closed his 5-hole and swallowed all shots that were in his vicinity.  

In a 2-0 hole, only a goal away from being eliminated, RJ rallied his troops with a new in-game strategy.  “I’ve been following Coldplay a lot on his twitter account, and he is very strategic in his Magic the Gathering Games.  He usually uses characters with a higher threshold against spells, creating a defense that eliminates attacks.  With that in mind, I used my own abilities in the defense zone, instead of wastefully using my offensive attacks.  Hanging back, and eliminated Montel from his vicious “I’m so Fat”  attacks worked in our favor.  

RJ ripped a slap shot, that fooled Gang Green into a vulnerable position on his knees.  The Chief Editor took the rebound of the boards and shot into an empty net.  It was the Chief Editor’s 8th goal of the night, in which he was unattended to.  

“I like to thank Waterford Township for shutting off half of the lights so now nobody can see my ass in front of the net.  Good job boys!”

The goal was the difference in the series, it forced a decisive game 7.  Father Pat took his perfect record in games 7 against Gang Green’s inability to see well.  

Game 7 was a tight affair,  RJ’s new defensive style provided added defense to the already stellar goaltending behind Father Pat.  Every shot, was swallowed up, rebounds were pushed to the corners, and a groovy kind of glove frustrated Steve Arena and company.  

“Father Pat is remarkable.  I’ve never seen a goalie with his make-up.  He has great vision, quick reactions, and a humble heart.  This guy has a chance of destroying all the records of the greats like, “The Franchise, Hextall and Cujo”  Oh yeah, I forgot Gang Green probably has some records too.”

The Double Agent watching from an unclosed location chimed in on Steve Arena’s comment.  “Yeah, Gang Green holds the record for the most fake injuries in a game.  I counted 27 “Ah.....my toes, during a Sunday Matinee.”

Steak Sauce iced the game in the final minutes.  Gang Green scrambling in the crease unable to locate the ball.  A1 had an open shot from the slot, and wound up a thunderous shot that caused an enormous sauce splash on the Waterford Gardens.  
 
“I looked up and saw Gang Green crawling on his back, I didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to unleash the power of the Sauce on his crippled ass.  I put so much force on that shot, that I’m going to have fill myself up.  I can’t being waddling around with only a half bottle of Steak Sauce.”

Gang Green covered in Steak Sauce ooze once again blamed the poor lighting as the key factor in his defeat.  “This is bullshit, I can’t tell who is who.  This ball is a bland color of yellow, and the shadows in the corners are fucking ridiculous. The league office is going to get a long letter, from the player’s union about these shitty playing conditions.”

After the game Father Pat had some modest words “Gang Green you fucking suck!  You’re never going to beat me.  I’m fucking God. You can’t beat a man who praises Jesus Christ.  Man, I love kicking Gang Green’s ass.  It is almost as fun as giving Holy Communion to sexual excited school girls. Peace Out Bitches!”

Waterford Hockey returns this Saturday for a matinee game at 330pm.  Come out to play under the sun, and then play under a half lit rink.  Father Pat we salute you!

Winter Classic Recap

The Greatest Day Ever

Quad Skates celebrating with his buddy Pickachu

10:22am at the Waterford Gardens.  The Chief Editor with Rosko Gang Green sit along the boards waiting for the faithful.  

"Where the hell is everybody?  We were supposed to leave for Sea Isle at 10am, and its just the two of us"  The Chief Editor proclaims.

"This is fucking bullshit!  I turned down Black Friday Shopping, so I could be properly rested for this crap.  Fucking people!" Gang Green angrily responded.

10:29am The Chief Editor decides to check Facebook.  "Tyler wrote on his wall, he is so bored that he wishes he was working."  He was supposed to come to Sea Isle with us today.

10:31am  Gang Green opens a cold Lionshead brew and hands one to the Chief Editor.  "Well, if weren't  going to the Sea Isle, we might as well get wasted." 

10:34am  The Chief Editor receives a call from A1 Steak Sauce.  "Hey where are you guys, I just pulled up."  asks Steak Sauce.

"Get out of your car and you'll see two dejected dudes, lying against the boards."  The Chief Editor replies.

10:37am  A bewildered Steak Sauce, is in dismay to see only The Chief Editor and Gang Green.  "Is anybody else showing up?"

"Quads is on his way, and that is probably it"  The Chief Editor sadly remarks.

10:39am A vehicle pulls up to the Waterford Gardens.  It is not an ordinary transporting automotive.  Glistening in the early morning sunlight,  is a baby blue mini-van.  With great trunk space, enormous comfortable seating for 4 passengers, and automatic sliding doors. The hockey Gods constructed such a magnificent piece of automotive engineering to be used exclusively for hockey transportation.  This is the Honda Quadysee. 

The Quadysee

10:38am  The driver of the mini-van Quad Skates jumps out of his luxurious Quadyseee.  "Is this it?  Fuck it, I say we pack the Quadysee and drive around to find a pick-up game."

10:40am  A1 Steak Sauce unsure of this idea, motions to pack up and leave the Waterford Gardens.  "Steak Sauce you can park your car at your house and we'll pick you up." asks the Chief editor 

"I don't know, I think I want to go home and pour myself on a nice porter house steak."  A1 replies.

10:42am The Chief Editor was cautious about A1's intentions of playing "I don't want another Buzz Killington on our hands.  Last time, we went somewhere to play hockey and the other person was unsure of coming, we were victimized with a Buzz kill.  Or as the kids call it a Brosef Stalin."

Don't be a Brosef Stalin

10:45am Steak Sauce decides to go home and drop his car off.  The Chief Editor and Gang Green piled up their hockey equipment in the Quadysee.

10:50am Joey pulls up to an empty Waterford Gardens.

10:51am The Chief Editor gets a call from Joey.  "So what's going on?"

10:52am  Quads, Gang Green, and The Chief Editor pulled up behind Joey parked at the Waterford Gardens.

10:53am  "Do you want to ride along with us? We're going on a traveling adventure looking for any kind of hockey game."  The Chief Editor replies.

"Ok, where are you guys?" Joey responds

"Look, behind you."  The Chief Editor comments.

10:54am Joey turns around and see's the Quadysee parked 12 meters behind his car.  "Where, did you guys come from?"

10:56am Joey drops his car off at The Chief Editor's residence.  He throws his equipment in the back of the Quadysee.  "Let's go pick up the Steak Sauce!" Quads commands

11:03am  Steak Sauce has just poured a nice portion of himself on some sizzling beef patties.  Quads honks the horn, "Come on A1, were ready to go!"   Steak Sauce, tips himself back up.  He twirls his cap 4 times, and then waddles out of his house with his small black Koho hockey bag.  The Quadysee is at full capacity and the trunk looks like this.

Somewhere in there is a leaf blower

 
11:09am  The traveling Quadysee makes it first stop at the Berlin hockey rink on Day Ave.  A deserted hockey rink, with no souls to be seen.  "Nobody in the slums of Berlin, I guess even the Ghetto gets a day off."  The Chef Editor remarks.  So onto the second stop.

11:11am  Gang Green farts

11:14am  "Let's try the Marlton Rinks, there has to be people.  Its three rinks, its Black Friday, and its 62 degrees with no clouds in the sky.  Somewhere in South Jersey somebody is playing hockey." Quads comments.

The Chief Editor begins to sniffle the air.  "Gang Green did you just fart again?"

"Ugh...I shouldn't of chugged those Lionsheads.  Beer makes me gassy in the morning."  Gang Green moaned.

11:22am The Qadysee pulls into the Marlton rinks.  On each rink,  people are playing.  One of the rinks, just has guys playing on feet, the other has some little kids skating around.  But the one rink has some older kids skating and shooting.

11:24am Chief Editor approaches the rink with the skaters and talks to a red haired kid.  "Hey, do you guys want to get a game together?  We have a goalie, ask those foot soldiers to play on the other rink and we could get a decent game going."

The red haired kid replies "Yeah, lets do it."

11:26am The Waterford Faithful of Joey, Gang Green, Quads, The Chief Editor, and Steak Sauce step onto the Marlton rink.  They immediately claim the title of "Team Quadysee" as their official slogan.

11:29am Quads hooks up his boom box, with his Satellite Radio attached.  "You guys ready for some 80s new wave!"  The booming vocals of Frankie Gos to Hollywood, engulf the Marlton Square Gardens.

11:31am Quads offers some gifts of gratitude."Hey, If any of you guys are of age, we brought some beers with us. Plus I got a mini- keg of Newcastle in van if you want."

Gang Green also offers some of his gassy Lionshead to anyone, that can withstand its gaseous affects.

The red haired kid abides, "That's really cool of you guys, to bring beer.  That's what I wanted to do today, sip some buds and play some hockey."

11:33am Quad's suits up with his blue customize Quads jersey, roller hockey pants, his trusty quad skates, and a Pirate Bandanna to complete his outfit. 

11:35am The red haired kid, notices Quad's old school roller skates.  "Whoa, That guy with the pirate bandanna, is using quad skates."

11:37am  A1 Steak Sauce also shows his gratitude by allowing anybody to use him as a delicious condiment.

The red haired kid, in awe of the kindness showed by the Waterford Faithful, shows his appreciation.   "You guys are the coolest people that have ever showed up at this rink.  We got tunes, buds, Pirates with roller skates, and a life size A1 steak sauce bottle.  What else could a red haired kid like me want."

11:41am  A second goalie shows up and Team Quadysee now has a opponent to challenge.  Bring it on Marlton locals! 

11:48am  Opening faceoff begins.  The Marlton locals, used to running game at the rink, is not aware of the talent of Team Quadysee.

11:50am Joey roofs his third goal of the afternoon.

11:52am Steak Sauce scores on a break-away.

11:59am Gang Green makes a sprawling glove save.

12:01pm  "Oh, shit.  Dj Fatty is on.  Let me change it to the old school hip channel" Quads hurries to change the station on his Satellite radio.

12:09pm Team Marlton begins to show frustration, by slamming their sticks in agony.  "How the hell, I'm I getting beat by on old man dressed as a Pirate, with skates that are older than the Regan Administration."

12:16pm The Chief Editor lets loose a blistering wrist shot that beats their opposing goalie.

12:23pm Joey stick-handles through the entire Marlton team, and scores his 12th goal of the afternoon. 

12:35pm Quads still snake beaten, is stoned on a point blank wrist shot.

12:41pm Gang Green lets in his first goal of the afternoon, on an odd man rush.

12:48pm  Team Quadysee ahead 17-1, the Marlton locals begin to show more frustration, by breaking their $200 sticks against the boards.  

1:00pm The Marlton Locals call it a quits, but more people begin to show, as Team Quadysee has a new foe to challenge.  A few kids from Wagner University show up and are unaware of the beating they are about to take.

1:04pm Quads breaks out of his scoring slump, by scoring on a 5-hole goal.

1:09pm Steak Sauce dangles team Wagner and scores untouched on a break-away.

1:12pm Quads scores again.

1:15pm Gang Green bored from the lack of activity in his net, begins to shake his booty from the old school hip-hop beats.

1:21pm Joey roofs another shot top-shelf for his league leading 32nd goal of the afternoon.

1:26pm Team Wagner takes a break.

1:32pm Quads shuffles to some Run DMC played during intermission.

1:38pm Keeping his legs loose from his intermission shuffling, Quads scores a quick 2 goals.

1:41pm The Chief Editor begins to show fatigue and contemplates on whether to end the game.

1:57pm Team Wagner embarrassed from the ass whopping decides to throw in the towel and end the massacre.   

2:06pm Gang Green releases some urine in the Marlton woods.

"Ahh......That feels good.  Now, if I could only get rid of my gas."

2:10pm  Team Quadysee relaxes in the Marlton bench, finishes off Quad's Newcastle mini-keg.

2:14pm Gang Green takes a swig of the Newcastle.

2:19pm  Gang Green again runs into the woods to release his urine.

This feels sooooooooo good

2:30pm  Its time to say goodbye to the Marlton rink, empty and alone.

2:49pm Steak Sauce is dropped off at his house, "Oh, shit I forgot about my burgers!"  Steak Sauce runs out of the Quadysee to attend to his charbroiled beef patties.

3:01pm Gang Green, Joey, and the Chief Editor are dropped off back at home base.  The three walk to their cars and begin to drive to the Post Game Party at Devilins.

3:21pm A bucket of buds.

3:41pm Gang Green perpetuates his gas, by eating a Fat Philly Cheese steak, cheese fries,a Quesadilla, and bowl of Atomic Chili.

3:49pm Customers at Devilns begin to run out of the bar, from the large gas cloud, caused by Gang Green's bloatedness eating habits.   

4:00 The manager at Devilins asks Gang Green to take his farting cloud elsewhere.

4:05  Quads and The Chief Editor decided to leave as well, as the fumes from Gang Green's ass start to make them uneasy. 

Not a good ending to the Greatest Day Ever, but wait the end cap of the day was a party at the Tropicana in Atlantic City with "The Collins."  Here is a picture that summarizes the dance party at the Irish Pub.  Due to poor lighting, you might not be able to make it out. The bald guy dancing has the World's largest turtle neck.

No need to pop a collar, when you have the World's largest turtle neck.

Sea Isle the Thanksgiving aftermath, didn't happen that warm Black Friday morning.  But, for a few, who hitched a ride in the Honda Quadysee, it was The Greatest Day Ever. 

Evil Mogilny Shuffling