“One shall stand, one shall fall “ as one famous Autobot said to another Decepticon. In Tuesday night’s Roller Hockey action, the heavily favorite Devlin Danglers face offed against the Natural Lights.
Defending champions of the fall season the previous named Whalers, changed their name to the Natural Lights. Captain Brian Boitano, yes the Brian Boitano. 3 time Olympic Champion, Cult Figure Skating Star, and a host of his very own cooking show on the Food Network. Explained why such a drastic name change.
“I felt, we were getting bad press as the Whalers. This scumbag, the Chief Editor of the Daily Whaler would harass us with his witty blog posts. So, to get away from the constant cyber bullying, we decided to change our name. Plus, who doesn’t like a cold Natural Light.”
Before the start of the game, goaltender star of the Deviln Danglers Rosco Gang Green had some fearsome words for his opponent the Natural Lights. “ I’m going to take out everyone one by one like a Navy Seal. I’ve waited 6 long years for this game. Each night, I would sleep with a picture of Boitano next to to my bed. When, I would awake from a long night of lovemaking, I would grab my handy gizmo knife out of my left sock and repeatedly stab the photo of Boitano. This is going to get personal.”
Mark “Loophole” Lupponetti started the scoring 2 minutes and 23 seconds into the first half with a twisted wrist shot from the slot. He beat opposing goaltender Jody Hull low glove side. Loophole shot was so powerful, that he didn’t move his head.
With a 3-1 lead, the Deviln Danglers were killing a penalty at the end of the first half. Natural Lights defence-men Matt Arena, turned the ball over to a fore-checking Frank “the Tank” Ceretelle. Frank the Tank, took the opportune turnover, and went all alone on a breakaway. The tank, deke Jody Hull out of his goalie shoes, and toe dragged the ball for an open net goal.
We interrupt this important blog article, for a message from the Grammar Police.
“Ahh.... This is Lieutenant Matt Arena of the Grammar Police. I would like to inform our readers of a blatant grammar mistake in the title of this article. Natural Lights as scene on TV is incorrect. Scene should be spelled seen, not scene. If, I’m going to be made fun of, it must be proper English. I’m getting mighty tired of circling red pen marks on my computer monitor.”
During the first intermission, with the Deviln Danglers ahead, 4-1. Rosco Gang Green, had an altercation with defense-men Matt Arena.
Apparently the opposing forward of the Natural Lights made physical contact with Rosco Gang Green in front of his net. The forward went to his bench and complained about the rude conduct.
“That goalie is playing rather improper and unfair. He is a buffoon of a monster. It was unnecessary for the repeated shoves and slashed I received. I protest.”
Gang Green over hearing the complaining by the Natural Lights bench, barked out some discouraging words.
“If any of you Keebler elves stand in front of my crease, I will hack your shins into a bloody pulp.”
Matt Arena trying to protect his teammates and saving the world of improper grammar intervene. “Gang Green you suck! You’re the worse goalie ever!”
“Hey Richie Cunningham, can you cover up those short shorts. My eyes are starting to hurt, from those white unprotected thighs.” Gang Green replied.
Matt Arena retorted, “These shorts are made of special polyester fabric, that allow me to skate faster. They won’t make any shorts shorter than this.”
The referee of the match, skated to the Devlin’s Danglers bench and ponder out loud “Are these guys for real?”
With a 4-1 lead going into the second half, Gang Green’s tempered outburst had given the Danglers an edge to unmercifully destroy the Natural Lights.
Joey Morrotto added 2 goals in the second half, followed by goals from Brandon Tungstall, Tom Fadako, and Ed Shakya.
The final whistle had blown, and the Deviln Danglers were victorious 9-1.
Still heated from his altercation with Matt Arena, and a deep seeded hatred towards the rest of the team. Gang Green held a press conference outside of the Deviln Danglers locker-room,
“Before, I field any questions from the media. I would like to make the following statement. I, Rosco Gang Green, currently with a 2-0 record, a GAA of 1.00, Save Percentage of .967, is the greatest goalie of all-time. And team Natural Lights suck more than a new born breast feeding.”
What was the argument about during the intermission?
“Next time, the arenas should leave their purses at home. They were lucky Momma Green was in attendance, or I would of choked a bitch.”
It sounds, like you have a vendetta with the Arenas. Why so much animosity?
“Well, it started years ago at the Waterford Gardens. I was never respected by those guys. They made fun of my masturbating habit, my dating techniques of climbing into trees and starring at women from afar, and my ability to seduce women with sexually mysterious eyes. This was a game I really wanted to win.”
Grammar Police interjection. “Ahh.. you spelled starring wrong its staring, not starring. Gang Green was never starring in anything. Grammar police will not put up with these stupidity.”
Gang Green shakes his head in disgust “You see why, I can’t stand these guys.”
