Birthday Pinata Bash

Sea Isle 2012

Father Pat out 4-6 weeks.

On a lazy Saturday afternoon, Father Pat decided to practice his 4th line skating abilities at the local skate park.  If Father only knew the disaster consequences of making that decision. 

A group of teenage skaters whom frequent the park, were gathering their skateboards, and were about to roll off to the 7/11 to get a Raspberry Lemon Lime Slurpee and skittles.  "Dude, let's bounce this joint.  I'm getting thirsty and there is no new skater blood here." 

"Yea, this is uber lame."  one of the skaters agrees.  The teenager skaters leave the park, as Father Pat looks from a far from his green Toyota Echo.  "This is my chance, to practice by myself, and not be bullied by a bunch of punk kids."  Father murmurs to himself.

With a deserted skate park, Father Pat practice his hand plants, the twirly bird, and the infamous Father Sunday.  The Father Sunday was a move, that was banded from competitive aggressive inline skating competitions.    It was deemed too dangerous and many skaters lost their lives just trying to attempt the move. 

But, Father Pat was enjoying his serenity of skating by himself and practicing his outlawed moves.  The grind of competing at the Waterford Gardens, was taking a toll on Father Pat.  He, was leading the league in penalty minutes, and was tired of the physicality he had to bring each game.  This is what he really wanted in life.  To be a fruity booty.  He already signed the waiver of his bias sexuality as an inline skater. (A little unknown fact, is that in order to be an inline skater, you have to sign away you're heterosexuality, and admit your homosexuality.)

 Things were going great for Father Pat, the sun was hitting against his bare thighs, his hair was radiant in the summer breeze, and his soul had reach the greatest level of enlightenment.  As Father, planted a hand stand on the half pipe, he heard the sounds of juveniles.

"Nice, shorts there homo."  One of the teenagers shouted.  The group of skaters that were previously hanging out at the skate park had return with large Big Gulp Cups and bags of jiggly candy.

"Hey, I didn't know priests were publicly allow to admit they were gay." Another kid heckled. 

"Yeah, you should never of signed that waver, Father."  One of the other teenagers commented.

Father nervous and unsure how to handle the situation, decided to show off his great inline skating attributes.  "Kids, you want to see something really cool?"  he asked

"No, we don't want to see you're ball sack.  Plus with those shorts, we already have a very bogus view." One of the punk skaters replies.

"I knew, I shouldn't of signed that waver.  But, to be an inline skater, you have to fully embrace the alternative lifestyle.  Well, kids I know it hasn't been cool since 1994 to skate on in-lines. But, I'll show you the greatest and most dangerous move a skater can pull off.  Created by my mentor Father Pedro, on a hot summer afternoon in the New Mexico desert, this move will knock your socks off.    It has only been master twice in its existence.  This will show you, that inline skating can be cool.  Get ready for the Father Sunday."

Father Pat skates to the top of the half pipe, the teenage kids look in awe at what will be the greatest moment of their lives.   Father channels his inner peace, and fully becomes one with his in-lines.  What, they will witness can't be fully describe in words, it is something like a bald Eagle soaring in the wilderness.  A majestic water flowing freely from a gigantic waterfall.  The gushing colors of a vibrant rainbow beaming in the horizon.  Simply put, this is the Father Sunday.

Father still at the very top of the half pipe, skates down in a tumbling free fall.  His hands brace his fall, and his skin immediately rips from the uncontrollable carnage. Father Pat made it about 3 inches down the half pipe, before his 4th line skating abilities took over.

"I can't watch it no more."  A crying skater skates away.

After a visit to the doctors office, Father Pat was diagnosed with a broken wrist and a 4 to 6 weeks vacation to the Injury Reserve.  

 
 

Our Savior Father Pat

“When the township fixes these lights, then you can come talk to me Father Pat”  A disgruntle Gang Green shrouds his shoulders in defeat.  Gang Green packed his equipment and left the Waterford Gardens in bitter disgust.

Holy man of the church, and of the goal crease, Father Pat had defeated Gang Green once again for the third time this week.  With his team trailing 3 games to 2 in game 6, Father Pat closed his 5-hole and swallowed all shots that were in his vicinity.  

In a 2-0 hole, only a goal away from being eliminated, RJ rallied his troops with a new in-game strategy.  “I’ve been following Coldplay a lot on his twitter account, and he is very strategic in his Magic the Gathering Games.  He usually uses characters with a higher threshold against spells, creating a defense that eliminates attacks.  With that in mind, I used my own abilities in the defense zone, instead of wastefully using my offensive attacks.  Hanging back, and eliminated Montel from his vicious “I’m so Fat”  attacks worked in our favor.  

RJ ripped a slap shot, that fooled Gang Green into a vulnerable position on his knees.  The Chief Editor took the rebound of the boards and shot into an empty net.  It was the Chief Editor’s 8th goal of the night, in which he was unattended to.  

“I like to thank Waterford Township for shutting off half of the lights so now nobody can see my ass in front of the net.  Good job boys!”

The goal was the difference in the series, it forced a decisive game 7.  Father Pat took his perfect record in games 7 against Gang Green’s inability to see well.  

Game 7 was a tight affair,  RJ’s new defensive style provided added defense to the already stellar goaltending behind Father Pat.  Every shot, was swallowed up, rebounds were pushed to the corners, and a groovy kind of glove frustrated Steve Arena and company.  

“Father Pat is remarkable.  I’ve never seen a goalie with his make-up.  He has great vision, quick reactions, and a humble heart.  This guy has a chance of destroying all the records of the greats like, “The Franchise, Hextall and Cujo”  Oh yeah, I forgot Gang Green probably has some records too.”

The Double Agent watching from an unclosed location chimed in on Steve Arena’s comment.  “Yeah, Gang Green holds the record for the most fake injuries in a game.  I counted 27 “Ah.....my toes, during a Sunday Matinee.”

Steak Sauce iced the game in the final minutes.  Gang Green scrambling in the crease unable to locate the ball.  A1 had an open shot from the slot, and wound up a thunderous shot that caused an enormous sauce splash on the Waterford Gardens.  
 
“I looked up and saw Gang Green crawling on his back, I didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to unleash the power of the Sauce on his crippled ass.  I put so much force on that shot, that I’m going to have fill myself up.  I can’t being waddling around with only a half bottle of Steak Sauce.”

Gang Green covered in Steak Sauce ooze once again blamed the poor lighting as the key factor in his defeat.  “This is bullshit, I can’t tell who is who.  This ball is a bland color of yellow, and the shadows in the corners are fucking ridiculous. The league office is going to get a long letter, from the player’s union about these shitty playing conditions.”

After the game Father Pat had some modest words “Gang Green you fucking suck!  You’re never going to beat me.  I’m fucking God. You can’t beat a man who praises Jesus Christ.  Man, I love kicking Gang Green’s ass.  It is almost as fun as giving Holy Communion to sexual excited school girls. Peace Out Bitches!”

Waterford Hockey returns this Saturday for a matinee game at 330pm.  Come out to play under the sun, and then play under a half lit rink.  Father Pat we salute you!

Winter Classic Recap