Boogie Down Porkchop Dance Party

The icicles frozen to the Waterford Hockey rink, couldn't keep away the faithful in carloads of eager participants in the first annual "Chia Pet Porkchop Winter Classic Dance Party."

Temperatures were in the lower teens and at one point reach a meager 9 degrees. Game time attendance was at all time high with 20 skaters and 2 goalies to set a 2009 record.

Mr.Chop himself starting the event by bringing his Casio silver boom box, with 12 D size batteries. He pop in his mix tape, and the party had officially started.

His first dance, was to the tune of Rick James "Super Freak". He position the boom box in the middle of the center face off circle. He was procedding with a few toe tapping moves that would put the Lord of the Dance to shame.

PorkChop had the crowd in a frenzy when he attempted a double back flip split, over his Casio sliver boom box. As he was building up furious speed around his own blue-line, he tripped over a a phantom rock that has haunted previous Waterford Hockey players.

The Chop, landed face first before the third chorus of "Super Freak" had ended. He had to be carried off in a stretcher, he didn't have any movement in his upper Chop body. But he did manage to give a thumbs up to the crowd to show his gratitude.

So with 19 skaters, 2 goalies, and 1 boom box the nigh continue in the honor of a Mr. PorkChop.

Monday Night Hockey Shall Return

Hi this is Dan Greenoff, for the Googily Gazette

I would like to wish all readers a very heartfelt Christmas. And a happy boxing day to our neighbors to the north.

Yule time cheer has been at an all time low this past week. The cancellation of gamplay has brought diminishing morale throughout the Waterford Hockey Community.

It has affected some to the extent of utter physical pain and suffering.

Local Legend Brian Boytanio, has been under the weather with the H1N1 virus he caught while sulking his miseries without Waterford Hockey.

But early indications of resume gameplay might come by this Monday night. The Googily Weather Center has forecast mild temperatures and rain for Sat. This shall melt the remaining snow and ice left on the rink.

A clean up crew will emerge on Sun with shovels and push brooms to finish up mother nature's mess.

The third annual Waterford Winter Classic sponsor by Pet Chow, is still schedule for Jan 1 at 6pm. Unfortunately the Googily Weather Center has forecast rain and snow, which may cancel festivities.

Stay connected to the VSN network, for further updates.

Winter Wonderland

The Googily Weather Center has issued a severe weather alert for Waterford Township. "A Monster Storm is heading up the East Coast tomorrow morning that will bring heavy amounts of snow. Early speculations are 10-13 inches of snow by Saturday night. Please be advise to stay indoors and watch classic Tannsboro Deck Hockey Championship videos from 1991."

League Commissioner has just released a statement about schedule matchups for this weekend. "Sat, and Sun hockey will be cancel for this week due to severe weather. Monday night hockey is still in question, we will keep a close eye on this winter storm to see if snow removal is possible by Monday Night. Head grounds keeper will not remove snow accumulations over 4 inches, unless a volunteer party participates in the snow removal effort. Stay connected to the Googily Gazette for any further details and updates."

If anyone wants to join Cowboy Evil Mogilny in a country western evening at Prospectors, he will be saddling up at 9pm in full cowboy outfit and spurs. It is just a treat to witness his herd of Wild Horses and mountainous background on a blue brokeback mountain long sleeve shirt. Yee-Haw Herr Evil!

Waterford Legend Porkchop returns

Some might call him a portly young lad. Others see an over weight blob of a human being. But to the Waterford faithful he is Porkchop.

It has been 3 years since the last re-appearance of Porkchop. He has now return to bring holiday cheer to all.

Come out tonight at 6pm. To be in the presence of such a man.

The Weekend schedule looks like a Sat game at 3pm. No Sunday night hockey this week.

A Grounded Evil Mogilny scarfices a wild turkey to the Hockey Gods

"Hey Mom, I'm going to play hockey at Waterford." An Evil Mogilny proclaims

"Herr Evil, Your not going anywhere today. I've been asking you to take out the trash all week and you haven't done it yet. I told you to DVR me gossip girl, and you've instead hooked up the VCR and have been replaying old 90210 episodes instead. And now you've been using Grandma's old car, because you broke your IROC driving over a school of geese. So its no hockey for you young man." An angry mom replies

"Mom, I have to play today. I'm going to make a live sacrifice of a goat to the Hockey Gods." Evil Mogilny whines.

"Well, those herds of goats you've been keeping in the backyard are gone. I called PETA, yesterday and told them my Evil son has been making demonic sacrifices to uphold his god Sergei Zubov. Those goats are now protected by federal law, so no more sacrificing either." Mom answers.

A frustrated Evil Mogingy begins to jump up and down and scream at the top of his lungs.
"You can't do that. I'm 32 years old and your taking away my privileges as an adult. If I want to sacrifice a goat, I should have the right to do so. This isn't fair."

"Herr Evil, your living under my house, and your going to abide by my rules. Now finish up your chocolate milk and go to your room." Mom explains

Evil Moginly takes the gulp of his 44oz milk glass, and waddles back to his room. He slams the door behind him and jumps on his blue race car bed. His cellphone begins to ring, its the Chief Editor calling to play hockey.

"Herr Evil, You coming out today to reclaim your goaltender title in net." The Chief Editor asks

"No, I can't my mom, took away my car, my goats, and my dignity as a 32 year old man." Evil Mogilny murmurs.

"What!! Damn Herr Evil you really messed up this time." Said The Chief Editor

"Yeah, I was really looking forward to make a demonic sacrifice to the hockey gods today. But my goats are gone, so its not going to happen." Evil Moginly cries.

"Why don't you sneak out of your house, and will have Gang Green come pick you up. Don't worry about the goats, we'll think of something for you to sacrifice. " The Chief Editor explains.

Evil Moginly goes along with the plan, and climbs out of his bedroom window. Gang Green is awaiting outside, and the two drive away heading to Waterford Hockey Gardens.

Gang Green is playing some mellow, depressing music. "I can't live with out you girl. I want to throw my body off a cliff. If I can't live without you girl. I'll slit my wrists and bleed for you girl"

A displeased Evil Moginly comments on the melancholy music that is being played. "What is this crap, damn do you have any better music than this. I feel like I'm going to kill myself just listening to this garbage."

"Sorry, Evil Moginy if i like music that has some melodies. I don't listen to the Satan worshiping heavy metal junk. This has some true meaning behind the lyrics. " Gang Green replies

The music keeps on playing "I'll crawl up into a cannon, and shot myself in the stars. Your my glowing inspiration girl. I cant live without your smile. Girl.....Girl.....Girl.."

Evil Moginy reaches over and turns the music off. "For the love of Satan!"

Gang Green turns the music back on. "This is my car so your going to have to listen to my music Herr Evil!"

Evil Moginy turns it back off, Gang Green not paying attention to the road, begins to fight over the radio. The two wrestle each other, in a moving car. Evil Moginly and Gang Green are grabbing each others arms, trying to take over the control of the radio

"This is my Car" Gang Green grunts

"Well get some better music" Evil replies

As the two are fighting, a loud noise is heard.

"Gobble Gobble"

Gang Green's car hits a large turkey, that has wonder away from Pope's Garden.

Evil Moginly and Gang Green run out of the car, and see a mangled turkey crawling on the asphalt.

Gang Green is shocked. He looks at the turkey and turns to Evil Moginly

"Well, Evil Moginly it looks like we found you a half dead animal to sacrifice."

Bags Fly Free

Where's my omelet Boytanio?

Hi,
This is Dan Greenoff for the Googily Gazette News, live from the Waterford Gardens.

Fall Intermission has concluded and hockey was back in Waterford. Games were played on Sat, and Sun with a terrific turnout.

As I walked around interviewing each participant in today's game, one question was repeated throughout. "Boytanio, Where's my Omelet?"

Absent from the weekend of hockey was star figure skater Brian Boytanio, we manage to set up some hidden cameras in his house and return with this segment take a look."

Interior Day.
Boytanio sees his alarm clock flashing 925am.

"I better get up and preparing the omelet station, for Sunday morning hockey" Boytanio announces


In his bed, a rather large man, who is draped around in one of Boytanio's figure skating costumes from his triumph run in the 88' games in Calgary. He has a shaven head, and is covered in a Vaseline base substance, something similar to what Mogilny's uses to masturbate with while watching his old highlights from his Buffalo days. He turns and looks at Boytanio.

"Oh, Baby you can't leave yet. I haven't receive my early morning Boytanio sugar yet."

Boytanio, realizing he is short on time tries to explain, he has made a promise of omelets to the Waterford faithful.

"I'm in a real rush right now, I have to get the onions, mushrooms, bell peppers, red pepper, and hot sauce from the grocery store. I made a promise to my guys that I would cook everyone omelets for Sunday morning hockey. It wouldn't be right if i was late."

The large bald man, rather annoyed by the remarks of Boytanio tries to convince him to stay a little longer.

"I don't care about those nasty hockey boys. I want my Boytanio to stay here in bed." The large Bald man replies

"But they are going to be so hungry if I don't set up my build your own omelet station?" Boytanio explains

"Well I want Boytanio to come over here and build his own omelet in bed with those magical hands of yours." the large Bald man giggles

Boytanio knowing he is short on time, can't resist the large bald man's charm, and runs over to the bed and twirls a triple axle in his arms. The two begin to fondle each other, and start to kiss affectionately in areas that can't be mention in this News program. The phone begins to ring, and the two ignore it as they tussle around in the bed. Boytanio's answer machine picks up and we hear a very familiar voice.

"Hey Boytanio, this is Arena. I wanted to just let you know that I pick up a few crabs here in Maryland. I'll be back in the morning, So I'll be waiting for my daily testes shinning. They have gotten a little dirty since I left you and could use a good spit and shine. Its not the same without you, I hope your being a good boy and I'll see yeah tomorrow. Kisses Bye"

The large Bald man, spits out a foreign object out of his mouth, and begins to scream at Boytanio.

"I thought I was the only man in your life. You lying whore! How could you do this to me? You know what I'm going to call him back and tell him what we've been doing all weekend. I'm sure he would like to know."

Hi, This is Dan Greenoff
We will conclude on this segment, as it just gets even more gayer from here on out. But BAG Monday hockey is tomorrow at 6pm so bring your shin guards and your favorite Emmem CD.

Fall Intermission

Live from the Googily Media Center here is head news anchor Dan Greenoff

"Hello I'm Dan Greenoff for the the Googily Gazette News.

Due to severe weather and world series pandemonium, Hockey at the Waterford Gardens is suspended until further notice. When play resumes we'll keep you posted.

Other news is the important court case of Gang Green, who is schedule for this Tuesday. He is arrange for a Drunk Driving charges from late September. We will bring you the live press conference, after the judge's verdict.

Also Quad Skates is crowned the best Nickname in the history of Waterford Hockey. He edge out War Machine, Boytanio, and Humping Wall Machine for this prestigious honor. Once again Quad Skates you are proven testiment to mankind that inferior quad technology still has a place in the modern inline world.

In other news the Waterford Whalers suffered their season opener lost 11-5, and will host team Shop Rite on Wednesday night at the Voorhees Skate Zone at 10pm. Come out and support your hometown Whalers, more information can be found on their website at thedailywhaler.blogspot.com

I'm Dan Greenoff signing off from the Googily Media Center"

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Its Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Super Spectacular Hockey fun time at 7pm. Lots of Mayhem! Mayhem! Mayhem! Bring a Friend! Friend! Friend! To play Hockey! Hockey! Hockey! At 7! 7! 7!

Also I would like to congratulate Stilts for winning last week's online poll of this year's MVP. It was a close race for second as Master P and Montel both had the same amount of votes. As for Coldplay who probably voted for himself finished dead last with only 1 vote.

Sunday Hockey at a 7pm start time

Sunday Night Hockey at 7pm

Last night's gathering was rather lackluster as is was get away night at the Waterford Hockey Grounds. We had stellar goaltending performance by Tyree Emery. He is preforming at high rate of consistency and showing great promise for a rookie goalie.

But the night wasn't a total lost as Aubure and Messier made a triumph return to Waterford. As usual Aubure ran out of wheels within the first 3 line changes. He is now skating on one wheel between both skates. I would recommend on purchasing a pair of rollerballs, the revolutionary skates by the Home Shopping Network.

Next schedule gathering is Sunday at 7pm, please R.S.V.P., by commenting or posting on the blog.

Hockey Tonight at 6pm

The Googily Weather Center has made a mandatory announcement; "All Waterford Hockey Players must go outside and play in these outstanding weather conditions. Game time temperature will be 67 degrees Fahrenheit with a calming 3 mph breeze coming from the West South West."

Don't be a slouch and lace up the skates!

6pm Start Time

The Kid's Return

With the absence of the new sheriff of Waterford County Stilts, it was open range for all outlaws and BAGs at the Waterford Hockey grounds on Monday Night. Billy the Kid took advantage of this opportunity and called his posses to loot the Waterford Faithful players.

"Alright Boys, lets make a ruckus of this hockey rink." The Kid proclaimed

Right before face-off a transaction between the two teams was made. Bill the Kid was traded with a barrel of barley for the rights of Scores A-lot. The Chief Editor's squad made the transaction because they really needed some barley to feed his horses who were famished from an incident with a French Clown and a Woodshop teacher. So he had to give away his greatest asset the 1 player in the Waterford hockey league, for a barrel of barley and an above average player of Billy the Kid.

At first the Chief Editor's looked like a genius, his team easily won game1 with a shoutout victory, Billy the Kid contributed in both ends with a goal and numerous defensive stops. His horses were merely enjoying the fresh barely in their feeders, and were starting to regain their strength.

In game2 they were ahead 1-0 and were looking to put the team up 2-0 in the series. Then Scores A lot stepped onto the rink, and it was beginning of a very long night for the Chief Editor.

Scores A lot toyed with his opponent stick handling around Boytanio, like he was a marching band member without an instrument. He than used his speed around the Chief Editor, Peja, and anyone else who lunged at his prowess speed through the neutral zone. In about 20mins The Chief Editor's team went from a 1-0 lead in the series, to a 4-1 series defeat at the hands of this talented hockey god.

The Chief Editor didn't handle the defeat with grace and look to his teammates for answers.

"What happen guys? We were dominating in the first game and than it all fell apart when Scores A Lot stepped on the rink. We had Scores A Lot on our team and we traded him for practically nothing. Well I did get a barrel of barley to feed my horses so it wasn't a total lost. But still why did we trade Scores A Lot? Like I would of been happy if we got some talent in return, at least somebody that knew how to shoot, or could skate . We got practically nothing in return"

Billy the Kid wasn't the least amused by The Chief Editor's comments, he didn't hesitate to reach for his six shooter, and justify his feelings

"You're a Dick"

Mon Night Hockey at 6pm

To accommodate all Phillies fans, tonight's game will start at the early bird special of 6pm. So get there early and receive complementary potato bar access.

Washed away till Tuesday

The Googily Weather Center has issued a flash flood alert for the following counties, Robotica, Quadeyland, Boyford Borough, Gang Green Island, and Smiley Cat Arena. Please be advised to take the necessary precautions and stay clear of the Waterford Hockey Rink until further notice.


I would like to congratulate Brian Boytanio for wining the online poll for best goalie in Waterford History. You are a true inspiration to all figure skaters who could never make the transition into hockey. Keep up the outstanding goaltending.

Wed Night Hockey at 730pm

As you can tell by the Googily Weather Center icon next to this post, it is calling for rain for tomorrow and the weekend. So lets get some hockey in before the storm. Special 730pm Start tonight. Also if anybody is around tomorrow afternoon, Skatezone is having open roller at 3pm-430pm. Stay connected for further details

From the Heavens came Stilts

It was a windy and chilly Tuesday Night at the Waterford Gardens. The Bag-o Meter was showing rather low activity for the evening. It may have been caused by a clearance of John Deer apparel at the local K-Mart.

To the privilege few who attended it was a full court game with 2 goalies. Billy the Kid brought his posse into town looking to score some goals, and any booze he could get his hands on.

But unfortunately for the Kid, a new sheriff had arrived and he went by the name of Stilts. "Billy I know your used to bulling around these poor folks around here, but we're not going to take this crap. So pack up your horses and get on your way."

Billy the Kid wasn't the least amused "I have the fastest shot in the East, and I'm not going to be pushed around by some 8ft giant. Lets settle the score on the courts."

The courageous Stilts pick up his gloves and stick and proceeded to line up for the faceoff. Once the ball was dropped it was game on.

Billy the Kid was repeatedly set up in slot, but the passes were interrupted by Stilts long reach. The Kid was getting frustrated.

"Darn gone it. That Robotic Half Man can't make a pass to save his life. This fellow by the name of Coldplay is rather a feverish young man. I don't understand why he is dressed like a fool with such a handsome full beard. He skates like a mule with a hindered leg."

Stilts showed his poised and leadership by playing well in both ends. He amazed the Kid by his pinpoint accuracy and speed. With his team trailing in the series Stilts roof a wrap-around shot that motivated his team.

The series went into overtime and the Kid had to rattle the young super star. So as the ball went into the corner boards, Billy cocked his 6-shooter and fired at Stilts. It made such a loud noise, that both teams had to stop.

Coldplay went over to the aid of Stilts, who was stretch out along the far corner boards. He was lying on the ground, but to the astonishment of Coldplay there was no blood, or any marks on his body. Stilts got up on his own and stared right at the Bill the Kid and his posse.

"It looks like your 6-shooter is just as accurate as your one-timer. We're not afraid of your violent acts anymore Kid."

The game resumed back into overtime, it didn't take long before Stilts received a pass down the wing, and fired a shot high right to the blocker side for the game winner.

Billy the Kid displeased, pick up his belonging and called for his posse to round up and push off for the night.

Coldplay began to celebrate the goal of Stilts "When I ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule the world"

Next scheduled game on Wed at 7pm

Tue Night Hockey at 7pm

Come on down to the Waterford Hockey fest this Tuesday at 7pm. We have the Montel, and his co-host Tyree playing goalie. Celebrate the joy of playing Hockey! 7pm start

A Tour with Brian Boitano

Epic Waterford Elite League Battle

Sunday night had only elite league players in the mix, with Steve Arena making a triumph return to Waterford Hockey. It also saw a career milestone accomplished by heroic goaltender Gang Green, who recorded his 1,000 save.

It had the turd Boytanio team comprised of Matt Arena, Montel, and Ed as their goaltender. While the toilet paper white team had Steve Arena, Stilts, The Chief Editor, and Gang Green as their goalie.

The best of 7 series was so intense that it had to be shorten to a best of 5. Team Turd captain Boytanio showcase his intensity by cross-checking Steve Arena into the net on a breakaway. Steve Arena was asked about that play after the game

"I was going full speed to the net down the wing. Next thing I know a huge Turd gets caught in my skates, and I go tumbling down into the net. That Boytanio smells, and is a nuisance on the rink."

Steve Arena was awarded a penalty shot, but was stoned cold blank by Ed.

Gang Green the white toilet paper team goaltender was rather sharp in his first appearance in about a month. He controlled his rebounds, and took care of the Montel traffic in front of his net. Gang Green commented on his sharp focus

"Before the game, I wipe my ass with a photo of Boytanio to get myself mentally prepared. "

The game was cut short due to the inadequate lighting system at the Waterford Facilities, the white toilet paper team was awarded the victory with a 3-2 lead in game 5.

Monday's game is canceled due to high levels of Bag activity on the Bag-O meter.

Hovercraft Technology

Rain-out for Sat

Due to steady rainfall, Saturday's game has been canceled for this week. The Googily Weather Center has confirmed showers in the Waterford area until 3:45pm. This wet conditions has made the surface unplayable to normal skaters.

Players Union Representative Mr. Robo Legs has issued this statement "Its in the best interest of our Waterford Players to stay home and not skate on the wet surface. Roller skates are not intended to skate in slippery conditions, and may cause serious injury."

"However I would recommend everyone to purchase a pair of hydrorobotic inlines, that my team at Robolegs incorporated have developed. This skates have the ability to float over wet surfaces, and glide like a hovercraft in heights up to 3ft of water. Also a nice feature is the wireless remote control system, that attaches inside of your hockey gloves, so you can manually control your hydro functions. So lets say your on a breakaway and you want to deke out the goalie. Just press the hydro button on your wireless remote and you can distract the goaltender by hovering off the ground and score a spectacular goal."

Next schedule game time would be Monday at 7pm, but I'm willing to play on Sunday if anybody is interested.

The Chief Editor

Game Time Moved to 2pm on Sat

Saturday's Game time is now at 2pm. I'm going to an IROC car convention with Evil Mogilny,who is sacrificing a live goat in front of his demonic followers.

So I can only play till 5pm.

Sat at 4pm

So far it looks like a pretty good turnout for this Saturday. The following people have confirmed Montel, Coldplay, Ed(Goalie), Super Valentino(maybe both will show and we'll have the rainbow cup), Hayes (bringing 2 other guys).

Still waiting on Boytanio, Gang Green, and Matt Arena

The Googily Weather Center is calling for some showers in the AM, and possible showers in the evening. Stay Connected for Game Time weather updates

Bagitous

Its that time of the year again when the BAGs come and intrude on Thursday Night Hockey. It has caused the usual Waterford Faithful to evacuate the premises and all is left is the chief editor and Montel with a bunch of obnoxious BAGs. So we need to reorganize the faithful and hit the BAG storm head-on. The General Gang Green; stop punching that Boytanio action doll. Arena; stop spooning with Boytanio. Boytanio; stop sneaking around people's houses and power that rickshaw to the Waterford Hockey Rink.

We're playing this Saturday at 4pm, we have an aboundance of oragne slices from an orange chicken recipe atempted by Boytanio on his last episode. So if you can make it out this Sat you'll be replensed with thirst quenching orange slices.

The Chief Editor